


You Make Me Whole

by ninwrites



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: After Max's Death, Alec Is Upset, Cry with me, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Gen, Grief, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, M/M, Magnus Is So Kind, Post/During COG, magnus is there for him, major angst, minor character death - mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-22
Updated: 2016-01-22
Packaged: 2018-05-15 11:52:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5784346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninwrites/pseuds/ninwrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During the day, Alec pushes his grief away, because to indulge himself in it would be selfish. But then the night comes, and his grief is suffocating, everything is just too much.</p>
<p>But Magnus is there for him, to hold him as the tears fall, to stich him back together slowly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Make Me Whole

**Author's Note:**

> Title and inspiration from Break In, by Haelstorm. Blame the song. Also, listen to it, it's great.

_**You let me fall apart without letting go** _

  
_**Then you pick up the pieces and** _ _**you make me whole (Break In - Haelstorm)** _

 

* * *

 

Grief.

It feels like a blade lodged into his chest, and every time he breathes, it knocks against his ribs and inches that much further towards his shattered heart.

Pain.

The only thing he's able to actually feel, the only thing that manages to break through the ever-suffocating numbness. The numbness, which surrounds him like creeping shadows, always there, pressing in on him from all sides, inescapable.

He just wants a relief from it all, and he feels selfish for wanting it, because his guilt must be nothing compared to that of his sister's, and at the bottom of it all, at least he's alive. At least he still has the capability to feel anything at all, even if it his blinding pain. Isabelle must be torturing herself, blaming herself for what had happened.

Not that it was her fault. She couldn't have guessed what Sebastian would do, none of them could. Alec couldn't have.

Which is why he had gone into the streets of Alicante, why he'd talked to Magnus as they'd fought demons. He'd felt so happy then, hearing that Magnus loved him. Because _he_ loves Magnus, and he was worried he was the only one harbouring such feelings, and it was all so knew and scary that he'd kept it all quiet. Hearing those words fall from Magnus' lips - "you stupid Nephilim. Of course I love you" - had picked him up so high he'd felt like he was flying.

Now he feels guilty for even caring that Magnus loves him. What does it matter, when his youngest brother had been murdered, had never gotten to train to be a Shadowhunter, and he never would. He'd never fall in love, so why should Alec?

On the night it had happened, once he'd found out, Alec had sworn to himself that he wouldn't speak to Magnus, for a few days at least, because he felt like he owed it to Max, owed all his attention and energy, should fuel it into grieving.

That promise had lasted all of two days. Because Jace is grieving too, about more than just Max, and Isabelle is hurting worse than any of them, but she grieves differently. She locks herself in her room and doesn't speak to anyone, except maybe Simon. And Alec couldn't even handle looking at his parents anymore.

So he calls Magnus up, shaky hands on small keys, and asks, in a tired and weeping voice if he could come over, because he needed Magnus, needed the warmth and comfort and broad shoulders to lean on.

Magnus says yes, of course, and Alec hangs up with the promise to be at Magnus' door in no less than five minutes. The Clave had, grudgingly settled Magnus into an old, almost-Victorian-like house a few streets away. Alec knew exactly where it was, how to get there, the quickest route to avoid being seen by anyone who would run and tell his parents.

His brother had just died. He wasn't quite ready to deal with that just yet.

He chucks on a sweater - it's grey, or maybe it used to be green. Or black. Regardless, it's soft and big and warm, and Alec feels like he's drowning in the fabric. He tugs the sleeves over his hands and pokes his head out the door. No one's in the hallway, and the silence is deafening. He tiptoes down the stairs and out the front door, careful not to make any noise.

He ducks into the shadows, hoping that by doing so they'll engulf him and he won't feel anything anymore.

He feels hopeless. And he hates it.

He raps his knuckles on Magnus' front door quietly, far too quietly to be heard. Nevertheless, a second later the door has opened, and there Magnus is, standing in front of him - devoid of make-up and glitter, his hair falling down so it brushes his shoulders. His eyes are sympathetic, worrisome, and it just makes Alec feel worse. He's wearing a plain grey shirt, and when Alec steps forward to bury his face in it, he discovers that it is, in fact, as soft as it looks.

Tears are pricking his eyes like a thousand tiny needles, but they're not falling, and the grief inside him is spreading. He feels like an over-inflated balloon, one wrong move and he'll explode and becoming nothing more than an empty shell.

Magnus' arms wrap around him, warm and strong, and Alec feels safe in them. Magnus is protecting him, Magnus cares for him and he'll always be there, especially now when Alec needs him the most.

It's the first time Alec thinks he's ever allowed himself to properly relax, to lose himself in his feelings without worrying about anything else. Because that's what he does, he worries about how people see him, he worries about his siblings and his parents, and now Magnus, and he's never allowed himself to completely let himself go before.

Now he feels himself doing it without his own permission, but he can't find it in himself to try and stop. So he lets his emotions fuel him, lets Magnus take him by the hand and pull him inside, upstairs to the bed where he is bound to be more comfortable.

He stares at the door of the bedroom as Magnus carefully removes his jeans, swapping them for more comfortable sweatpants. His thumb brushes across Alec's cheekbone, and Alec tilts his head slightly. His eyes flick to Magnus' and there's so much love and concern there, that Alec feels the numbness start to seep away. The lack of numbness heightens the pain, however, and in seconds Alec has Magnus' shirt in bunches in his fists, his head pressed hard against Magnus' shoulder.

_"It's not fair,_ " He sobs, his voice raw and croaky. _"It's just not fair."_

"I know," Magnus murmurs, his arms wrapping around Alec, holding him tight against his chest. Because he knows what it's like to lose someone, knows how much it hurts, has been through the cycle of grief over and over again.

He'd been there for Tessa when Will had faded from this world, held her when Jem couldn't, had held Raphael - despite how adamant the vampire had been that he was fine - when his dear mother, Guadalupe, had passed away. He knew grief in the way he knew love, he knew the tell-tale signs, he knew the pain, and he knew that everyone handed it differently.

He also knew that he would be there for Alec, no matter what he needed. Because that is just what you did when someone you love is grieving.

Magnus leads Alec to the bed, and they sit in silence, Alec with his head nestled against Magnus' shoulder, salty tears leaving silvery track marks down his cheeks. Magnus kisses his forehead and runs his hand up and down Alec's back, applying the lightest possible pressure.

He doesn't say anything, because from what he can tell Alec is a silent griever, and the best idea is for him to just wait until Alec wants to talk, not to force him. It doesn't take as long as Magnus had presumed, and there's something almost pleasing, in the fact that Alec does in fact trust him and love him enough to show him the deepest parts of his soul.

"He was too young to die." Alec mutters. Magnus doesn't speak, but he listens, and he thinks that's what Alec needs right now. A shoulder to cry on and ears that will hear what he needs to get off of his chest.

"We're shadowhunters, we're trained and taught to accept the possibility of death everytime we go out, on a hunt or otherwise."

And isn't that a fact Magnus still has trouble trying to deal with.

"But he was just a kid, he didn't even have his runes yet, he read manga and comic books and played with wooden swords. He was supposed to be safe, he was in Alicante, in our home, and he was supposed to be safe."

Alec's hand tangles in Magnus' shirt, grips the fabric near his ribs. His crying isn't loud, it's soft-spoken, like him, and it's gasping and that makes hearing it even more painful for Magnus, because no matter how desperately he wants to, he can do anything more to help.

"He was supposed to be safe, Magnus, and he wasn't."

"I know," Magnus mumbles into the top of Alec's head.

"You trusted Sebastian, and he betrayed you, but none of that was your fault. You had no idea he wasn't the person he claimed to be, and no one could guess what would happen by leaving Max alone. You thought it would be safer for him, rather than being out where demons are roaming the streets, and you were right to think so."

Alec shakes his head minutely. "I'm his older brother - _I was_. Sure, he worshipped Jace like a god, but I was his older brother, I was supposed to look after him, to protect him, keep him safe so that nothing happened to him. This wasn't supposed to happen to him, I was supposed to stop it."

"And if you had been there, and you couldn't have stopped it? Or what if you had died instead?"

Magnus knows his words are harsh, but he also has a feeling that Alec needs to hear them.

"If I had died instead, then Max would still be alive." Alec replies, but it's half-hearted and Magnus knows he understands the weight of his words.

"And then Max would be in your position. I'm not saying it's right that Max died, in no way am I saying that, what happened to him was horrible and I wish I could go back in time and change it. But I do not wish that you had taken his place, and I do not think it was your fault. It was Sebastian's fault, and no one elses."

Alec doesn't speak, but he does slide his body down until his head is resting in Magnus' lap. Magnus begins slowly carding his hands through Alec's hair, looking down with desperate and mournful eyes, wishing more than anything that he could bring Max back. Because even though he hadn't know the youngest Lightwood very well, bringing him back would eliminate Alec's pain, and Magnus hated seeing Alec hurting so badly.

"I'm really glad you're here." Alec mumbles, and it's almost inaudible, except Magnus had been straining his ears for any sound, be it Alec's words or his sobs or even an incoming text.

"There's nowhere else I would be right now." Magnus replies. "Not if my apartment was on fire, not if Chairman had torn my favourite scarf into a billion shreds, not even if Project Runway was premiering a new season."

Magnus thinks Alec is smiling, just a little, thinks he can see the corner of his mouth turned up slightly. He could be wrong, he could be just simply imagining it all because he so desperately wants Alec to be happy.

"Not even if Chairman Meow was shredding your bedsheets?" Alec mumbles softly.

Magnus allows himself a faint smile, just for a second. "Even then. The only place I want to be right now is here, with you."

There's a beat of silence, one where Alec might have cried a little, or he might not have. Magnus curls his fingers at the nape of Alec's neck, where the hair starts to end in thin strands.

"Thank you," Alec whispers, and it ends with a yawn that neither of them acknowledge.

"For what?"

"For being here, for me. I've never lost someone this close to me, and ... and I didn't think it would be this hard. But you being here - it makes it a little easier. Not a lot, I stil feel like I'm falling apart into a million heartbroken pieces."

He pauses, and Magnus wonders what words he's searching for.

"But there's a part of me that thinks I might, eventually, be able to heal again. To stitch together all the broken parts."

Alec looks up, and their eyes lock, and there's a thousand different emotions flickering across the usual cerulean - love and hurt and hope and guilt and what just might be wonder or surprise.

"If you ever need help putting yourself back together," Magnus whispers, his words like an eternal promise. "Know that I will always be willing to help."

"I know." Alec says, and he leans up, just a little. "You've always been there for me. It's just taken me a while to fully realise that."

He shifts slightly, pulling himself up so the distance between them is shorter. He presses his lips gently against Magnus', and he's cautious and hesitant, so much like when they had first begun dating that underneath his own pain Magnus feels a little nostalgia.

He waits, a moment, just in case Alec decides he doesn't want to do this and pulls away. He does pull away, but only to look at Magnus with a deep-set question in his eyes.

"Is this not okay?" He chokes out, and Magnus shakes his head, minutely.

"It's okay with me, but ... are you sure it's what you want to do?"

Alec takes a moment, and then nods, certain.

"I know it's not going to ease the pain, not entirely. But ... yes, I do want this."

Magnus smiled faintly. "Well, okay then."

This time it's him who initiates the kiss. He cups Alec's cheek with one hand, his thumb grazing his sharp cheekbone, delicately. It's a gentle dance of lips against lips, nothing heated or passionate, just a reassurance for Alec that Magnus is there for him, no matter what he needs, no matter when he needs it.

At one point he starts crying, and the kiss turns salty, but they keep going, because now Alec is desperate for Magnus' touch and comfort, he wants to wrap himself in Magnus' love and care so much that he drowns in it.

"I love you," He gasps, between kisses, and he's not sure if he's said it before then, he can't remember, but it feels right and so he says it.

There's still a desperately painful ache in his chest, like a seraph blade lodged in his heart, but there's also affection flooding his veins and he wants to focus on that instead. It dulls the ache a little, not a lot, but some, and whilst it's not really enough it is _something_.

"I love you too." Magnus whispers, like a confession, a sinner admitting his own crimes, and Alec sighs into his mouth.

Because nothing is okay at the moment. His brother has just died, his family are in mourning and he can't be the steady rock he always has been, because he's hurting too. All day he tries to be strong and emotionally-closed-off just in case anyone needs him, because that's who he is.

But now, in Magnus' caress with their lips pressed together in a sad yet beautiful kiss, he can finally allow himself to shatter, allow himself to fall apart in Magnus' hands because he can't keep it together anymore.

And thankfully, he doesn't need to, because he knows that Magnus has him, knows that he's safe for the time being, with someone who loves him, and that's all he needs. And maybe he is broken at the moment, in fact it's quite likely he is, but there's also the possibility of Magnus helping him fold back into the person he used to be.

And while there is that possibility, while there's proof that Magnus does love him...

As long as all of that exists, Alec has hope that he _can_ be fixed. Eventually.

**Author's Note:**

> (I wrote most of this in the space of 1-2 hours. It was a rush, emotionally. Also, at two in the morning. My best writing seems to happen after midnight.) I sincerely apologise for the feels. Blame the song. Entirely it's fault, not mine.


End file.
